Technological Jokes

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0

Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1

We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2

Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0

We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1

Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2

Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3

Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0

Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1

Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0

More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1

Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0

We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0

We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1

Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
   www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...
13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question!
14. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
15. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
    (Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a consultant, this sucker's gonna hang!

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visacard.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers in your new snowblower.

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
• Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
• You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
• All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
• People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
• A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
• You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
• Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
• If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
• If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
• Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
• Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".)
• Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
• Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
• Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
• Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)
• Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So be bought himself some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life just slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned age 64,
Instead he got a phone call and escorted out the door.

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Author Unknown

1. You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com"
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your dog has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. (Editorial comment: get a local access number!)
18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.